Find your own place in the rainbow
December 13, 2005: My first shot! - Click here for a photo.
I was slightly nervous when I went to see the nurse this morning. I was actually a bit shaky while I was waiting for her to get things organised. She asked me if I'd had these injections before so I told her that I hadn't. I expected to have to lie down on the couch or something as I'd seen other boys have their injections that way, but I ended up having the injection while I was standing up. It rather took me by surprise which was good in a way. It didn't hurt a lot, it felt rather like a sharp sting. Later on, the whole of that side of my arse was sore in an aching kind of way. It went away after I'd walked about a bit though. I am very very excited! It seems a little unreal though, I can't believe this is finally happening.
December 19, 2005: 3 days
I appear to have a new hobby. For the past three days, I have been extremely horny. Where's a helping hand when I need one?
I've also been getting a little hungrier but as I'm always hungry, I'm not sure if that's T related or not. Mind you, if it wasn't for the fact that I seem to be horny all the time, I wouldn't have thought the sudden increase in that was T related either.
I should have expected that the first sign of any changes would have been with my appetites!
December 26, 2005: 13 days
Last night I was concerned that my first T shot was wearing off already. I've been horny all day every day since about last Thursday (three days after my shot) but then all of a sudden on Saturday it was gone. I was totally unhorny all weekend and it was really weird! Seems to have come back today though ; )
I think I am going to have to start wearing looser underwear though. Seriously. Ow. I tend to wear boxer briefs, I might have to treat myself to some normal boxers instead.
January 9, 2006: Second shot
I had my second shot today. I got to see a different nurse with going on a Monday instead of a Tuesday as I did last time. She was very nice and chatty, asking me if I'd had a shot before and how long I was going to need them. She said she was going to use a larger needle because of it being so thick and oily - it was a white one apparently, I have no idea what size that is (possibly 19 according to Google) - but it certainly didn't take as long that way. My arse was seriously sore later on though, probably because of the bigger needle. She said something about blood when she'd finished and put a plaster on. When I took it off later, the little cotton bit was completely saturated with blood which was slightly worrying. I think I'll try and go on a Monday from now on though, she was just a much more friendly nurse and to be honest, that's what you want when someone is jabbing sharp things in your arse.
I'm currently keeping my fingers crossed that the icky bleeding thing is gone. It should have appeared by now and seems to be holding off. My counting could be off though, but I don't feel like I usually do so that looks promising.
January 10, 2006: 4 weeks
It seems that this is not to be the first month without the dreaded oestrogen poisoning. Late night runs to the supermarket for supplies because I have none at all are no fun either. I'm thankful that the Sainsburys in the village is now a 24 hour one though otherwise I really would have been in schtuck. Feh.
January 15, 2006: 4 weeks, 6 days
A couple of days after my first shot, I suddenly felt incredibly horny and it lasted practically non-stop for two weeks. Then it died off all of a sudden but I got a sore dry throat instead so I thought that the T was working on that. There was one night when I was talking to my mother and I could feel my voice reverberating in my chest. It felt incredibly strange but it didn't last very long. I thought that things would pick up more after my second shot. Somehow, it doesn't seem to have happened. I expected the horniness to surge back again for one thing and it hasn't. My throat is fine now, not dry or sore or anything. It's as though this second shot has had no effect whatsoever. I'm rather disappointed, it feels like this second shot has been a waste of time and it's not even been a week yet.
February 8, 2006: 8 weeks, 1 day - Click here for a photo.
I'm feeling really disheartened at the moment. I had my shot on Monday and I know I wanted to be on a low dose so that I didn't have any scary rapid changes, but there's a difference between slow and non-existent. I might as well just have a needle rammed in my arse with nothing in it for all the good it's doing. So far the only effect it's having is on my dick. I think it's possibly changing the way I smell but that doesn't appear to be constant. There's no change in my voice, body hair or physical structure.
I'm not quite sure what's going on but since Tuesday night, I've had some really severe itching in the area I had my shot. It feels like the itch is in the muscle instead of the skin, but I just can't get any relief from it. I'm wondering if it's an allergic reaction; Sustanon has a peanut oil base and I believe some people can have a reaction to it.
Late on yesterday I felt some familiar crampy feelings in my tummy and my mood just plummeted. I had pinned my hopes so high on this being the shot that would get rid of the bleeding, so I was devastated to think that I had to suffer it again. I know it generally takes 2-3 months to get rid of it, but that's provided you're on a high enough dose and I'm obviously not. So far nothing has happened, I'm just having occasional crampy feelings and having to wait for the dreaded thing to show itself. I can't stand it any more. It's a horrendously cruel joke that it turns up so soon after having my shot as well.
If not being on T is hell, then being on T and having it do nothing is hell squared.
February 17, 2006: Trough T Level
I had to go have bloodwork done this morning to check my peak T level. My arm is killing me now, but then the nurse did take three tubes of blood. Last week I had blood taken for my trough level so I asked if the results had come back. She checked my records and it had. My trough T level is 6.8 and she said it should be between 10 and 35. So pretty damn low then. I'll ring up next week to see what my peak level is. I have an appointment with my GP on March 23rd so we'll see what happens there. If she decides that yes, I can go to three weeks, I am so having my shot the following day. I still have my appointment with the endo on April 24th though.
February 23, 2006: Bloody hell
All week I've had it rammed into me that my voice still sounds female on the phone. I'm doing a lot of telephone banking right now and it's been extremely difficult, trying to convince extremely security conscious people who are solely going off my voice that I am me is beyond a joke. Then with the work I'm doing at the moment, practically every time I answer the phone, I get called by then name of the woman I'm covering for. It's probably just because the caller expects to hear her, but it's really getting to me.
On top of that, I've had more breakthrough bleeding today. As if the usual amount isn't bad enough, I'm now having to deal with bleeding+2. It's making me want to scream, I really can't take it anymore. I was about this close to breaking down in the shower earlier on just from the thought of it.
March 23, 2006: Peak T Level
I had an appointment with my GP this morning about my T levels. She told me that my peak T level is 23 which is between the 10-35 range for males and therefore fine so I don't need to change to a 3 weekly shot cycle. The fact that my trough level is 6.8 appears to be irrelevant. I thought that the chance of my GP letting me go to every 3 weeks was extremely slim and it seems that I was right. Grrrr. I'm really really frustrated by this. It seems that my only hope now is the endo at the end of April.
May 4, 2006: 4 months 3 weeks
I had my first 3 weekly shot on Tuesday and I'm wondering if it's kicking in. Last night, I was sat minding my own business when I got jumped on by what would appear to be a hot flush. I was rather glad I'd had top surgery because I just pulled my t-shirt off and sat there like that till I cooled down a good half an hour later. I noticed a couple of days ago some very noticeable hair growth along my inner thighs which rather took me by surprise. I can't say as I've noticed any other increase in body hair yet. As for facial hair, I'm definitely needing to shave twice a week now. My voice wibbles about but doesn't seem to be in any hurry to do anything. My sex drive had disappeared after surgery - probably a combination of being sore and the anaesthesia but it seems to be returning slowly. One thing I'm definitely hoping for is an end to the icky bleeding thing. I think it's due any time over the next few days so I'm keeping all fingers crossed and touching wood and all that kind of thing to hope I never see it again.
May 23, 2006: 5 months 2 weeks
I had my sixth shot this morning which means I'm out of T and I need a new prescription. I was slightly startled the other night to realise that the hairs on my thighs are getting darker and more noticeable. The ones on my inner thigh are certainly spreading down my leg, and I've been watching those with interest which is probably why I didn't spot the others creeping up. My happy trail is developing too but only slowly yet. I haven't seen any other body hair changes yet. As for facial hair, I'm still shaving twice a week though I look a bit scruffy beforehand. My voice is slowly dropping as indicated by the voice clip I did last week. There was no icky bleeding at all last month so I'm hoping that's the end of that. I think it's sod's law that it only took one shot to get rid of it. How long was I suffering unnecessarily? I'm still having problems passing which is annoying but I'm hoping that'll change now I'm on a better shot schedule. Just have to wait and be patient. Riiiight.
June 3, 2006: Who's she?
Today I got 'she'd twice. Once on the phone and once in person.
June 11, 2006: 6 months
June 13 2006: 6 months
6 months on T today, I never thought this day would come. It's amazing really.
July 14, 2006: 7 months - Click here for a photo.
My voice is annoying me at the moment. It's irritating my throat and feels like a strain when I talk. It's also feeling and sounding - to me at least - really low and I don't like it. I don't think it's as low as I think it is, it's just because it's grating and I can feel it vibrating in my chest. I bet my voice clip won't sound vastly different from the last one. Then again, I can have a few days where it's being really low and then as soon as I record a voice clip, it stops doing that! I guess it's going to go up and down for a while yet before it settles, it's not been changing that long after all. I wish it would hurry up though, I miss not being able to sing. We have the radio on in the office at work and I can't sing along because my voice just isn't there. Whenever I try, nothing comes out. It's very sad.
August 4, 2006: 7 months 3 weeks
I think I've just discovered why I've had a bit of a stomach-ache on and off since Wednesday night. When is this hell going to stop? Last month, I spent two weeks or so spotting which made me hope that this month it would have gone but no, apparently not. I'm coming up to seven months on T, I can't believe I'm still having to deal with this.
October 19, 2006: 10 months - Click here for a photo.
I've been on T now for 10 months. I can't believe it's been that long! The changes are still happening gradually which is the way I wanted it. I've not had much in the way of body hair. My arms and calves don't seem any different but the hair on my thighs has got darker and more noticeable. I've also spotted hair spreading down onto the backs of my hands at the side but only lightly. Thankfully, there's been no change yet in the hair on my head! I've been told that my shoulders are broader and I'm bulking out a bit but I can't see it. My voice continues to drop a little, it's not cracking anywhere near as much as it was so that makes me wonder if it's going to start levelling out now. If so, it's not actually dropped all that much, I might still be able to sing tenor.
On the bad side, the bleeding thing has not stopped yet. It's now every other month which is soul destroying because one month I think that it's stopped only to have it come back the following one. I never used to have much of a problem with cramps, but they've steadily got worse and worse. This month they have been so painful, it's been really hard to go to work when I want to stay in bed and whimper, and I've never had that before. The other bad thing is that I'm still not passing much. A family friend thought I was a young boy on the phone a little while ago but mostly I still get female pronouns. I don't think I've changed much in how I look or sound; some of that could have been because the changes are being very gradual or it could just be that is all T is going to do for me.