Enter The Realm of the Pendragon

Harry Potter: The Panto!

Fandom: Harry Potter
Ship: Harry/Draco, Voldemort/Draco(nie)
Genre: Humour
Rating: PG
Prompt: None
Word Count: N/A
Author's Notes: This is based on a pantomine I took part in several years ago. Cue bad jokes, silly songs, quotes and puns galore and the obligatory custard pies. The plot - Voldemort plans to take over the world, Draco crossdresses and Ron collects Happy Meal toys. All together now: "Oh no he doesn't!" Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoast Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.

Act One
Scene 1
A forest. There is smoke and music as a mysterious hooded figure enters

Mysterious hooded figure Oh, long have I travelled and far have I yet to go! I am footsore and hungry. It has been many days since I last ate and there's never a McDonald's around when you want one. I just wish I knew where I was. (Gets out A-Z and studies it.) I have to get to Hogsmeade immediately for Voldemort has returned and plans to use it as his base from where he will take over the world! Though not if I can help it, or my name's not... (Throws back his hood, cue fanfare.) Harry Potter! (Studies map again.) I think it's this way...
Harry exits.

Scene 2
Hogsmeade village. Ron and Hermione are playing Exploding Snap with some villagers.

Ron Snap!
All You win again!
Hermione I swear your luck is unnatural, Ron.
She gets up and pulls off his cloak, several cards fall out of it.
All (with a gasp) Ron!
Ron Oops.
Hermione (with hands on hips) Ron, really. Cheating?
Ron I was just having a laugh, you know, I wasn't really cheating. I'm not a Slytherin!
Villager 1 Talking of Slytherins, there's someone suspicious skulking in those bushes over there. (Points to bushes which are shaking in a rather strange manner.)
Hermione Come on, Ron, let's check it out. Wands at the ready! (waves wand at the bushes) Autumnis!
The leaves fall off the bushes revealing a crouching figure behind them
Hermione & Ron Professor Snape!
Snape Eh? What? (sees Hermione and Ron) Oh, hello, I was looking for you.
Ron In the bushes?
Snape I didn't want anyone to see me.
Hermione What are you doing here anyway?
Snape I've come to warn you that You Know Who has returned and is here in the village!
Villager 1 You Know Who?!
Villager 2 Here in the village?!
They look at each other, scream and run offstage.
Ron You Know Who? Here in the village?
He starts to run but Hermione grabs hold of his collar.
Hermione Oh no, you don't.
Ron How do we know he's telling the truth? And why's he telling us this anyway?
Hermione Ron, he's on our side, you know that. Look, it says so here. (Gets out copy of Order of the Phoenix and shows Ron the relevant page.)
Ron Ohhh, so he's a spy for us!
Hermione Exactly! Now, Professor Snape, you were saying something about You Know Who being here in the village?
Snape Well, technically he's not in the village -
Ron See, I knew we couldn't trust him.
Snape - he's in the castle which is on the edge of the village.
Hermione & Ron What castle?
Snape (points offstage) That castle.
Hermione & Ron (looking offstage) Oh, that castle!
Ron It's big!
Hermione It's huge!
Ron It's enormous!
Hermione It wasn't there this morning.
Snape Well what do you expect, it wasn't built by Barrett's now, was it?
Ron There goes the neighbourhood. And Hogsmeade used to be such a nice place to live.
Hermione It's all gone wrong since Harry went missing.
Snape There's no news of him?
Hermione None whatsoever. He could be dead for all we know.
Snape Oh, I'm sure he's not.
Hermione But he said he'd come back, no matter what!
Song - Hermione - No Matter What from Whistle Down the Wind
HermioneNo matter what they tell us
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach us
What we believe is true
No matter what they call us
However they attack
No matter where they take us
We'll find our own way back
I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know I'll love forever
I know, no matter what
If only tears were laughter
If only night was day
If only prayers were answered
Then we would hear God say
No matter what they tell you
No matter what they do
No matter what they teach you
What you believe is true
And I will keep you safe and strong
And sheltered from the storm
No matter where it's barren
A dream is being born
No matter who they follow
No matter where they lead
No matter how they judge us
I'll be everyone you need
No matter if the sun don't shine
Or if the skies are blue
No matter what the end is
My life began with you
I can't deny what I believe
I can't be what I'm not
I know, I know
I know this love's forever
That's all that matters now
No matter what

Scene 3
In the throne room of the castle. The throne is at one side of the stage, Draco is sat on it staring into space. Crabbe and Goyle peer out of the flats at the back.

Crabbe There he is!
Goyle Hello Draco!
Draco (jumps) Do you mind? I'm on the throne!
Crabbe What are you doing?
Draco Nothing. I'm bored. There's nothing to do here. I almost miss having Gryffindors to annoy.
Goyle I know! Let's play Voldemort and Lucius! You can be Voldemort and we'll be Lucius!
Draco I know I'm going to regret asking this but it takes two of you to be my father?
Crabbe Well, we do everything together!
Song - Crabbe & Goyle - Me And My Shadow
Crabbe Like the wallpaper sticks to the wall
Goyle Like the seashore clings to the sea
Crabbe Like you'll never get rid of your shadow
Goyle You'll never get rid of me
Both Let all the others fight and fuss
Whatever happens, we've got us.
Goyle Me and my shadow
Crabbe We're closer than pages that stick in a book
We're closer than ripples that play in a brook
Goyle Strolling down the avenue
Crabbe Wherever you find him, you'll find me, just look
Closer than a miser or the bloodhounds to Liza
Me and my shadow
Goyle We're closer than smog when it clings to L.A.
We're closer than Bobby is to J.F.K.
Both Not a soul can bust this team in two
We stick together like glue
Crabbe And when it's sleeping time
Goyle That's when we rise
Crabbe We start to swing
Goyle Swing to the skies
Crabbe Our clocks don't chime
Goyle What a surprise
Crabbe They ring-a-ding-ding!
Both Happy New Year!
Goyle Me and my shadow
Crabbe And now to repeat what I said at the start
They'll need a large crowbar to break us apart
Both We're alone but far from blue
Before we get finished, we'll make the town roar
We'll make all the late spots, and then a few more
We'll wind up at Jilly's right after Toot's Shore
Life is gonna be we-wow-whee!
For my shadow and me!
Goyle Say Crabbe?
Crabbe What is it, Goyle?
Goyle Do me a favour?
Crabbe What do you want now?
Goyle Would you mind taking it, just one more time?
Crabbe From the top?
Goyle No! From the ending!
Crabbe Wonderful!
Both And while we are swinging, to mention a few
We'll drop in at Danny's, The Little Club too
But wind up at Jilly's, whatever we do
Life is gonna be we-wow-whee!
For my shadow and me!
Goyle Crabbe?
Crabbe Oh, forget it, Goyle.
Goyle So, are we going to play?
Draco Okay, I'll go out and come back in as Voldemort. (He leaves, then sticks his head back round from the wings.) What's my motivation here? Oh no, it's okay, I've got it, mean and evil, right.
He leaves again. Crabbe and Goyle pretend to be cleaning the throne. Draco comes back.
Draco (in a funny voice) Lord Voldemort appears, waits for audience applause, gets none. Strikes defiant Napolean pose but trousers fall down and ruin effect.
Crabbe & Goyle Lord Voldemort! (They prostrate themselves on the floor in front of Draco.)
Draco (sitting on throne, still using funny voice) You may rise.
Crabbe & Goyle What do you want to do tonight, my lovely - I mean, my Lord?
Draco (in funny voice) The same thing we do every night, Lucius you silly boy, try and take over the world! (They all laugh hysterically.)
There's a sudden clap of thunder, the lights dim and when they come back up, Voldemort is standing opposite them dressed in a black cloak that reaches the floor and a black Darth Vader style helmet. Crabbe and Goyle scream and cling to each other
Voldemort (says something but it's muffled by the helmet.)
Draco What?
Voldemort (tries again but it's still muffled)
Crabbe Eh?
Voldemort (raises his voice so it's louder but still muffled)
Goyle Come again?
Voldemort (pulls helmet off) You're in my chair! (He has a high pitched voice and a lisp similar to the funny voice Draco was putting on.)
Draco Oh right. Sorry. (Voldemort glares at him) Oh, sorry, my Lord.
Voldemort starts to cross stage but he's on rollerblades and can't skate very well so he ends up clinging on to the flats at the back in an attempt to stay upright.
Voldemort Lucius!
Lucius appears from the wings
Lucius You screamed, my Lord?
Voldemort I want to get to my throne! (He stamps his foot, nearly falls flat on the floor. Lucius runs across to catch him and the boys snigger.)
Lucius Very well, my Lord. (He helps Voldemort across to his throne.) Will there be anything else?
Voldemort Yes, take these boots off. They're broken. (Lucius does so.)
Lucius So, my Lord, what do you want to do tonight?
Voldemort The same thing we do every night, Lucius, try and take over the world!
He stands dramatically but he's only short and Lucius towers over him. He stands on the throne instead. The boys laugh and Lucius chases them off stage.

Scene 4
In Hogsmeade. Ron, Hermione and Snape are discussing Voldemort and the castle. Harry enters. He has the hood of his cloak over his head.

Harry Hogsmeade, at last! I'm so glad, I didn't think I could have walked another step. (Lifts up foot to show that the sole on his shoe is completely worn through.)
Hermione (noticing him looking around) Are you all right?
Harry Yes, thanks. Wait a minute - Hermione?
Hermione That's right. Who are you?
Harry It's me, Harry.
Hermione Harry?
Harry (Throws back hood) Harry Potter!
There's a fanfare, they both look around to see where it came from.
Ron What's going on?
Hermione It's Harry!
Ron Harry?
Harry Yes, it's me!
Ron So it is! (Pause.) And you are?
Harry Harry! (Ron looks blank.) Harry Potter!
There's another fanfare, they all look around to see where it came from.
Snape Am I missing something?
Ron It's Harry!
Harry (quickly) I think that's quite enough of that for now.
Snape Indeed. Well, I really must get back to the castle before my absence is noticed.
Snape exits.
Harry Castle?
Hermione It's a long story.
Ron You Know Who has built a castle and is right here in Hogsmeade!
Hermione Apparently not that long.
Harry Well, I'm starving, let's go get something to eat and you can tell me all about it. Don't suppose there's a McDonald's here?
Ron McDonald's?
Hermione In Hogsmeade?
Ron It's just round the corner, next to Starbucks.
Harry They get everywhere, don't they?
They start to exit.
Hermione So where have you been all this time?
Harry I was sent to a dreadful soulless place from which there was no escape.
Ron Was it hell?
Harry Close, it was Swindon.
They exit.

Scene 5
In the castle. Crabbe, Goyle and Draco are taking it in turns to enchant a villager for Voldemort's amusement.

There's a flash of light and a scream. The lights come up on Lucius and Voldemort.
Voldemort Make him dance!
Draco Tarantallegra! (Villager dances madly, Voldemort claps in delight.)
Voldemort Make him sing!
Crabbe Pavarottius! (Villager sings very badly, Voldemort claps his hands over his ears.)
Voldemort Make him stop!
Crabbe Finite Incantatum!
Villager You'll be sorry!
Voldemort Sorry? Why would we be sorry? It's too much fun being bad.
Song - Draco, Crabbe & Goyle - Bad Guys from Bugsy Malone
We could've been anything we wanted to be
But don't it make your heart glad
That we decided, a fact we take pride in
We became the best at being bad
We could've been anything we wanted to be
With all the talent we had
No doubt about it, we whine and we pout it
We're the very best at being bad guys
We're rotten to the core
And my congratulations no one likes you any more
Bad guys, we're the very worst
Each of us contemptible, we're criticised and cursed
We made the big time, malicious and mad
We're the very best at being bad
We could've been anything we wanted to be
We took the easy way out
With little training, we mastered complaining
Manners seemed unnecessary
We're so rude, it's almost scary
We could've been anything that we wanted to be
With all the talent we had
With little practice, we made every black list
We're the very best at being bad
We're the very best at being bad
We're the very best at being bad
Villager You'll never get away with this now that Harry's back in Hogsmeade!
Voldemort Ooh, I'm scared, I'm shaking in my boots! (Pause.) Who did you say?
Villager Harry!
Voldemort Harry?
Villager Harry Potter!
There's a fanfare, they all look round to see where it came from.
Voldemort Okay, now I really am scared.
Lucius runs on, Snape follows sedately behind.
Lucius My Lord! I have news!
Voldemort What is it?
Lucius Harry Potter - (There's a fanfare, they all look round to see where it came from.) erm, Potter has returned to Hogsmeade.
Voldemort Yes, we know already. Where do you get your information, Lucuis, the Daily Mirror?
Lucius Oh. News travels fast round here.
Voldemort Harry P - The Boy Who Lived will try to scupper my plans to take over the world. He must be stopped!
Draco Scupper your plans? Who talks like that? Honestly.
Voldemort We need to get him out of the way.
Snape This doesn't sound good, I'd best go and warn Harry!
Snape exits.
Lucius How do you suggest we capture him, my Lord?
Draco Ask him very nicely to come to the castle and when he gets here jump on him and tie him up?
Lucius Stupid boy!
Voldemort Yes, get him to come to the castle!
Lucius Clever boy!
Draco Bagsy jumping on him and tying him up.
Voldemort How to get him to come to the castle though?
They pace around the floor, thinking.
Lucius We could invite him for tea!
Voldemort Too easy.
They pace again.
Lucius Challenge him to a duel?
Voldemort Too boring.
Lucius I know! We hold the world hostage by means of a laser located on the moon by which we can easily target important locations on Earth unless they give us Harry Potter!
There's a fanfare, they all look around to see where it came from.
Voldemort Stop doing that!
Draco Who'd come up with a plan like that?
Voldemort Too complicated. And farfetched.
Draco Look, all you need to do is make Potter think that there's someone here who needs his help. He won't be able to resist coming to rescue them.
Voldemort Now that's a good plan!
Draco Actually, make it a girl.
Voldemort Even better! (Looks at Draco approvingly.)
Draco And a blonde! Men can't resist rescuing helpless blondes. Or so I've heard.
Voldemort Perfect!
Lucius and Voldemort are now stood on either side of Draco.
Draco But where to get a beautiful blonde to kidnap?
Lucius Where indeed?
Draco looks from Lucius to Voldemort and back again.
Draco Hey, wait a minute, you're not thinking of using me!
Voldemort A beautiful blonde, you said it yourself.
Draco Girl! A beautiful blonde girl! I'm not a girl.
Lucius You're listed as the Principle Girl in the script.
Draco What? Let me see that!
Lucius takes out a copy of the script and shows it to Draco.
Draco I seriously need to have a word with my agent.
Lucius It's panto! The Principle Boy is played by a girl who falls in love with a girl and the Dame is played by a man who falls in love with a man.
Draco It's stupid.
Lucius It's tradition.
Draco It's worse than Shakespeare. I won't do it! Just give me a pair of leather trousers and I'll have him eating out of my hand in no time.
Voldemort You don't have any choice! (Gets out wand. The lights dim, coloured lights flash, smoke drifts across the stage.)
From slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails
To sugar and spice and all things nice
From slippery snake to pretty as a pearl
Make this Slytherin into a girl!
Draco Look at me! I'm not wearing this! Song - Draco & Dressers - Rainbow High from Evita
Dressers Eyes, hair, mouth, figure
Dress, voice, style, movement
Hands, magic, rings, glamour
Face, diamonds, excitement, image
Draco I came from the people, they need to adore me
So Christian Dior me from my head to my toes
I need to be dazzling, I want to be Rainbow High
They must have excitement, and so must I
Dressers Eyes, hair, mouth, figure
Dress, voice, style, image
Draco I'm their product, it's vital you sell me
So Machiavell me, make an Slytherin Rose
I need to be thrilling, I want to be Rainbow High
They need their escape, and so do I
Dressers Eyes, hair, mouth, figure
Dress, voice, style, movement
Hands, magic, rings, glamour
Face, diamonds, excitement, image
Draco All my descamisados expect me to outshine the enemy
I won't disappoint them
I'm their savior, that's what they call me
So Lauren Bacall me, anything goes
To make me fantastic, I have to be Rainbow High
In magical colors
You're not decorating a girl for a night on the town
And I'm not a second-rate queen getting kicks with a crown
Next stop will be Europe
This Malfoy's gonna tour, dressed up, somewhere to go
We'll put on a show
Look out, Harry Potter
Because you oughta know whatcha gonna get in me
Just a little touch of
Just a little touch of
Draco Malfoy's brand of star quality

Scene 6
Hogsmeade. Harry, Ron and Hermione enter carrying McDonald's Happy Meal boxes and drinks.

Ron It's not fair, I wanted Mufasa.
Hermione I'll swop you my Zasu for your Timon if you like.
Ron (sulkily) Okay.
(Snape appears in the bushes)
Snape Psst!
Ron A talking bush!
Snape It is I, Professor Snape! Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once.
Harry Go on.
Snape I have come to warn you, Harry, Voldemort knows you are here in the village and is making plans to get rid of you!
Ron sucks loudly at the last of his drink, drowning out Snape's words.
Harry Could you say that only twice?
Snape Voldemort knows that you are here and plans to get rid of you!
Ron sucks on his drink again.
Harry Third time lucky?
Hermione Ron! (She takes the drink off him.)
Ron Hey!
Snape (through gritted teeth) Voldemort knows you're here and wants you out!
Ron & Hermione Oh no!
Harry What is he going to do?
Snape I don't know, I didn't stick round long enough to find out.
Hermione You'd best be on your guard, Harry, trust no one!
Crabbe and Goyle enter wearing false moustaches.
Crabbe & Goyle Hello fellow villagers!
All Hello!
Crabbe Have you heard the news?
All No, what news?
Goyle Volde - (Crabbe elbows him in the ribs) I mean, You Know Who has kidnapped a girl and he's holding her in the castle!
Harry That's awful!
Hermione That's too bad. (Shakes her head at Harry)
Crabbe She's a beautiful blonde.
Harry That's dreadful!
Hermione That's a shame. (Shakes her head at Harry again)
Goyle She's a Gryffindor.
Hermione That's rather convinient.
Ron She must be rescued! I mean, surely it can't hurt to go and check.
Harry But how am I going to get into the castle?
Crabbe There's a party tonight, you could always sneak in pretending to be guests.
Ron Ooh, a party! I love a party!
Hermione So we'll go to the party disguised as guests, excellent idea!
Harry Thanks for all your help.
Crabbe & Goyle Our pleasure! (They exit.)
Harry Well, they were rather well informed for strangers.
Hermione We have a party to go to. We'd best go and get ready.
Ron So we can party all night long!
Song - Harry, Ron, Hermione & Dancers - Rock Around the Clock
One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock, rock,
Five, six, seven o'clock, eight o'clock, rock,
Nine, ten, eleven o'clock, twelve o'clock, rock,
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight.
Put your glad rags on and join me, hon,
We'll have some fun when the clock strikes one,
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight,
We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight.
We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight.
When the clock strikes two, three and four,
If the band slows down we'll yell for more,
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight,
We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight.
We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight.
When the chimes ring five, six and seven,
We'll be right in seventh heaven.
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight,
We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight.
We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight.
When it's eight, nine, ten, eleven too,
I'll be goin' strong and so will you.
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight,
We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight.
We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight.
When the clock strikes twelve, we'll cool off then,
Start a rockin' round the clock again.
We're gonna rock around the clock tonight,
We're gonna rock, rock, rock, 'til broad daylight.
We're gonna rock, gonna rock, around the clock tonight.

Act Two
Scene 1

In the castle. Preperations are being made for the party.

Song - Crabbe, Goyle & Dancers - Come On Over To My Place
Little girl, you look so lonesome
I see you all feeling blue
Ain't no use in staying at home
I know what you should do
Come on over to my place
Hey girl, we're having a party
We'll be swinging, dancing and singing
Baby, come on over tonight
Now, you don't need the address to find out where we'll be
Cause you can't help but hearing the music halfway down the street
So baby, come on over to my place
Come on, we're having a party
We'll be swinging, dancing and singing
Baby, come on over tonight
When we get tired of dancing and things start getting slow
That's the real best part of the evening, to turn the lights down low
So baby, baby, come on over to my place
Hey girl, we're having a party
We'll be swinging, dancing and singing
Baby, come on over tonight
Lucius enters
Lucius Oh, I do love a good party.
Crabbe Look at us!
Goyle Don't we look smart?
Lucius Yes, yes, very nice. Now is everything ready?
Crabbe Oh yes. We washed the windows, waxed the floor and polished the furniture.
Goyle Or was that wax the windows, polish the floor and water the furniture?
Lucius I'm surrounded by fools!
Voldemort enters, can't stop, glides straight across the stage to the other side where there's a huge crash
Lucius My Lord! Are you all right?
Voldemort staggers back on
Voldemort I think so.
Lucius Perhaps the rollerskates were not such a good idea.
Voldemort But I'm not wearing any.
Crabbe We definitely polished the floor.
Lucius helps Voldemort to the throne at the back
Goyle The guests are starting to arrive!
Voldemort Let the festivities commence!
Guests arrive, DJ is wheeled on, disco lights flash.
DJ Let's party!
Dance - I'm Too Sexy.
People dance, Lucius joins in and manages to clear the dancefloor. Harry, Ron and Hermione sneak on at the end wearing false moustaches.
Voldemort Ladies and Gentlemen! (No one can see him, they all look around to see who's speaking so he has to stand on the throne) Ladies and Gentlemen, thank you all for coming, it's very nice to see you. (Polite applause) The reason I invited you here is to introduce to you my special guest, the very lovely Draco - - nie!
Draco enters on the arm of Snape. It's very obviously Draco in a posh dress. Crabbe and Goyle take up position on either side of him.
Harry That's one beautiful blonde.
Ron Indeed.
Hermione There's something strange about her.
Harry & Ron Like what?
Hermione I'm not so sure she's a Gryffindor.
Voldemort I'm delighted to be able to announce that this afternoon I asked Draco - nie to be my bride and she accepted!
Harry, Ron & Draco What?!
Draco I never agreed to that! I'll never marry you! I'd rather marry... Harry Potter! (There's a fanfare, everyone looks around to see where it's coming from.)
Harry I think I'm in love.
Ron Damnit, when will I get the girl?
Harry We have to save her.
Ron Yes, you go off and be the hero again.
Hermione How are you going to do that? She's too well guarded for one thing.
Voldemort In honour of my wedding tomorrow night, there will be a spell contest here in the castle grounds.
Draco Oh won't someone save me from this horror? (Crabbe and Goyle drag him off.)
Ron That's it! Harry, you can enter the contest!
Hermione Well, I hardly think Harry's the best person to win a spell contest.
Ron Okay, so you enter disguised as Harry.
Harry Don't you think they'll be looking for me?
Ron Good point. So Hermione will be disguised as you in disguise!
Lucius comes over.
Lucius You look rather familiar, do I know you?
Harry No.
Hermione We're guests!
Snape Is there a problem, Lucius?
Lucius These guests, do they look familiar to you?
Snape Don't you know who they are?
Lucius Should I?
Snape Should you?
Lucius Well, yes, I should know who they are.
Snape There you go then.
Lucius looks bemused and wanders off trying to figure it out.
Harry Thanks Snape, let's go while we're safe!
Harry, Ron, Snape and Hermione exit.

Scene 2
Hogsmeade. Harry and Ron wander on and stand talking to one side. Hermione and Snape follow them on and come to front of stage.

Hermione Thank you for saving us, it was a great trick you pulled on Lucius.
Snape Oh, it was nothing.
Hermione You're so modest.
Snape No, really, it was nothing. Lucius gets confused trying to put his shoes on the right feet.
Harry and Ron leave.
Hermione I don't know what we'd have done without you.
Song - Hermione & Snape - To Sir With Love
The time has come
For closing books, and long last looks must end
And as I leave
I know that I am leaving my best friend
A friend who taught me right from wrong
And weak from strong
That's a lot to learn
What, what can I give you in return?
If you wanted the moon
I would try to make a start
But I, would rather let me give my heart
To sir, with love
Those schoolgirl days
Of telling tales and biting nails are gone, yeah
But in my mind
I know that they live on and on and on and on
But how do you thank someone
Who has taken you from crayons to perfume?
Well it's not easy
But I'll try
If you wanted the sky
I would write across the sky in letters
That would soar a thousand feet high
To sir, with love
Those awkward years have hurried by
Why did they fly, fly away
Why is it Sir children, grow up to be people one day?
What takes the place of climbing trees and dirty knees in the world outside?
What, what is there that I can buy?
If you wanted the world
I'd surround it with a wall I'd scrawl
These words withe letters ten feet tall
To you, With love

Scene 3
Castle grounds. Crabbe and Goyle are organising entrants for the spell contest. Lucius enters.

Lucius Now, I have a special job for you two. I want you to keep an eye out for Harry Po - for The Boy Who Lived. He's sure to be here, he can't resist a chance to show off.
Crabbe Yes sir, you can count on us, sir!
Lucius Excellent.
Goyle Who are we looking for?
Crabbe The Boy Who Lived.
Goyle Oh. Who?
Crabbe You know, Harry Potter. (There's a fanfare, they look around to see where it came from.)
Lucius Don't do that! (He walks away.)
Harry, Ron and Hermione arrive with false moustaches.
Ron We want to enter the contest.
Crabbe Name?
Ron Erm, Brian.
Goyle Both of you?
Ron Yes, I'm Brian and so's my wife.
Harry I want to enter the contest too.
Crabbe Is your name Brian too?
Harry Erm, no, I'm Spartacus.
They take a number and mingle with the crowd. Crabbe and Goyle go over to Lucius.
Crabbe We can't find him.
Lucius Who?
Goyle The Boy Who Lived.
Lucius You mean you were looking for Harry Po - for The Boy Who Lived?
Crabbe Yes sir.
Lucius You expected him to just walk in?
Goyle Yes sir.
Lucius It didn't occur to you that he might be in disguise? You just can't get the staff these days, honestly. If you had one more brain, you'd be a halfwit.
Crabbe & Goyle Thanks!
Lucius Now, mingle with the crowd and look for The Boy Who Lived. He'll be in disguise. If you see him, report back to me.
Crabbe To you.
Lucius To me.
Goyle To you.
Lucius To me.
Crabbe To you.
Lucius To me.
Goyle To you.
Lucius To me. Enough! Go!
There's a fanfare, Voldemort arrives. No one can see him so he has to stand on a box.
Voldemort Thank you all for coming on such a special occasion, my marriage to the lovely Draco-nie.
There's polite applause, Draco appears on the arm of Snape and sits on the throne at the side of the stage.
Harry There she is! Hermione, we'll sneak up close to her and you create a diversion. Then we'll grab her.
Hermione Okay. (Harry and Ron sneak round the stage to Draco)
Voldemort May the contest begin!
Lucius Contestant number 1!
First contestant steps up.
Contestant A spell to turn Gareth Gates into a singer! PopIdolus! (Casts spell into wings.)
Crowd Ooh! (Applause)
Lucius Contestant number 2!
Second contestant steps up.
Contestant A spell to turn water into wine! Miraculous! (Casts spell into wings.)
Crowd Ooh! (Applause)
Lucius Contestant number 3!
Hermione steps up.
Hermione A spell to turn trousers into jam! Izzardius! (Casts spell into wings.)
Crowd Ooh! (Applause)
Lucius Well done, well done that man. Guards! Seize him! That man is none other than Harry Potter! (There's a fanfare, everyone looks to see where it came from)
Crowd What?
Cue Benny Hill music. Hermione runs off stage into the auditorium chased by Lucius and Draco. Crabbe and Goyle chase after Draco. Ron and Harry chase after Crabbe & Goyle. Hermione runs round the auditorium. Crabbe and Goyle grab hold of Draco.
Draco Get off! Unhand me! Stop right now!
Song - Everyone - Stop
Stop right now, thank you very much,
I need somebody with the human touch,
Hey you always on the run,
Gotta slow it down baby, gotta have some fun.
(Everyone stops what they're doing, sings the chorus and then carries on as though nothing has happened. Draco runs away and is chased by Crabbe and Goyle, who are chased by Harry and Ron. Hermione turns round and chases after Lucius.)
Snape Desist this tomfoolery immediately!
Everyone stops. He has Voldemort at wandpoint.
Voldemort Lucius!
Lucius Oops.
Harry, Ron and Hermione hold Lucius, Crabbe and Goyle at wandpoint.
Harry, Ron, Hermione & Snape Stupefy! (Voldemort, Lucius, Crabbe & Goyle collapse.)
Snape Take them to the dungeons!
Crowd Hooray!
Draco (looking around him) Uh oh.
Harry Draconie, you are free! I have rescued you!
Draco I'm sorry, you are?
Harry I am - (Takes off disguise) Harry Potter! (Silence) I said, I'm Harry Potter! (Silence)
Draco My hero.
Harry Draconie, you are so beautiful, from the moment I saw you I knew I had to make you mine. So... (Goes down on one knee) Will you marry me?
Draco Well, it beats jumping on you and tying you up.
Crowd Hooray!
Harry Uh oh!

Scene 4
Dungeon. Voldemort, Lucius, Crabbe and Goyle are there.

Voldemort Well, this is another fine mess you've got me into.
Lucius Oh no, my Lord, it's really not that bad.
Voldemort We're locked in a dungeon, The Boy Who Lived has returned to Hogsmeade and beaten us once again, and now he's going to marry my bride-to-be!
Lucius He's what?! You're right, it is that bad.
Voldemort Well, at least it can't get any worse.
Crabbe That's right, keep your chin up and think positive!
Song - Lucius, Crabbe & Goyle - Always Look On The Bright Side of Life
Some things in life are bad,
They can really make you mad,
Other things just make you swear and curse,
When you're chewing life's gristle,
Don't grumble,
Give a whistle
And this'll help things turn out for the best.
And...
Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the light side of life.
If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle.
That's the thing.
And...
Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the right side of life,
For life is quite absurd
And death's the final word.
You must always face the curtain with a bow.
Forget about your sin.
Give the audience a grin.
Enjoy it. It's your last chance, anyhow.
So...
Always look on the bright side of death,
Just before you draw your terminal breath.
Life's a piece of (Lucius puts his hand over singer's mouth to hide the word 'shit')
When you look at it.
Life's a laugh and death's a joke it's true.
You'll see it's all a show.
Keep 'em laughing as you go.
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And...
Always look on the bright side of life.
Always look on the right side of life.
Voldemort I don't know whether or not it was your singing, but I feel worse than ever. It's spooky down here.
Lucius It's supposed to be spooky, it's a dungeon.
Goyle You don't suppose there's a ghost, do you?
Lucius Oh for goodness sake, there's no ghost here, there's no such thing as ghosts.
Crabbe Oh yes there is.
Lucius Oh no there isn't.
Goyle I know, let's sing some more to cheer ourselves up.
They sing the chorus again, a ghost comes on and stands next to Lucius. Lucius doesn't do anything so the ghost hits him with a custard pie. They run offstage in opposite directions.
Crabbe Lucius, you didn't join in! Lucius?
Voldemort Do you think the ghost got him?
Goyle I don't see any ghost. (Ghost comes on stage again) Let's sing some more.
They sing the chorus again, the ghost follows Goyle, pies him and they run offstage.
Crabbe Are you feeling better now, Goyle? Goyle? Come out, Goyle!
Voldemort It's the ghost.
Crabbe Oh no, it isn't.
Voldemort Oh yes, it is.
The ghost comes up, pies Crabbe and they run offstage.
Voldemort Where'd everyone go? I wish I knew where the ghost was. (Ghost comes back on). I'm all on my own. I don't like being on my own. It's scary. (Ghost sneaks on behind Voldemort, ends up chasing him round the stage before pieing him and they run offstage.)

Scene 5
Hogsmeade. Some villagers are looking around for any sign of the wedding. Ron and a priest keep checking their watches and looking around.

Ron I can't believe it, Harry's getting married.
Snape enters with Voldemort, Lucius, Crabbe and Goyle in chains.
Ron Where's Harry?
Harry runs onstage.
Harry I'm here! Where's my lovely bride?
Draco and Hermione come on dressed as bride and bridesmaid.
Draco Are you sure my bum doesn't look big in this?
Harry You look wonderful.
Priest We are gathered here today to join Harry and Draconie in holy matrimony. If anyone knows of any reason why they should not be wed, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
Door bangs open in auditorium.
Dumbledore Stop! (Gets up onstage.)
Voldemort Oh, who invited him?
Dumbledore Harry, there is something you must know.
Draco Uh oh.
Dumbledore points his wand at Draco.
Dumbledore From sugar and spice and all things nice
To slugs and snails and puppy dogs tails
Bathed in the colours of silver and green
Let the identity of this girl now be seen!
There's a flash of light, a puff of smoke and Draco is revealed.
Hermione Malfoy!
Draco Granger.
Ron Malfoy!
Draco Weasel.
Harry Draconie?
Priest Does this mean the wedding's off?
Hermione & Ron Yes!
Harry No!
Hermione & Ron No?
Harry Wait! Voldemort was going to marry him, right?
Hermione and Ron Right.
Harry And there's supposed to be a happy ending, right?
Hermione and Ron Right.
Harry So I'll marry him.
They all look at Draco.
Draco Well, I'm not doing anything later. Besides, it's in the script.
Dumbledore Please continue.
Priest Do you?
Harry I do.
Priest Do you?
Draco I do.
All cheer and throw confetti.
Song - Harry & Draco - They Can't Take That Away From Me
Harry The way you wear your hat
The way you sip your tea
The memory of all that
No, no, they can't take that away from me
Draco The way your smile just beams
The way you sing off key
Harry I ain't flat, the band's sharp
Draco The way you haunt my dreams
Oh, no, they can't take that away from me
Harry We may never, never meet again, on this bumpy road to love
Still I'll always, always keep the memory of
The way you hold your knife
Draco The way we danced till three
Both The way you changed my life
Oh no, they can't take that away from me
No, no, they can't take that away from me
Draco Not without a lawyer anyway
We may never, never meet again, on this bumpy road to love
Harry Still I'll always, always keep the memory of
The way you hold your knife
Draco The way we danced till three
Both The way you changed my life
Oh no, they can't take that away from me
No, they can't take that away from me
No, they won't take that away from me.

The End

References

"Lord Voldemort appears, waits for audience applause, not a sausage." - The Goon Show

"Strikes defiant Napolean pose but trousers fall down and ruin effect." - The Goon Show

"What do you want to do tonight, my lovely, I mean, my Lord?"
"The same thing we do every night, Lucius you silly boy, try and take over the world!" - Pinky and the Brain

"It's a long story."
"You Know Who has built a castle and is right here in Hogsmeade!"
"Apparently not that long." - Buffy The Vampire Slayer

"Well, they were rather well informed for strangers." - Wayne's World

"Yes, I'm Brian and so's my wife." - Monty Python's Life of Brian

"Erm, no, I'm Spartacus." - Spartacus

"If you had one more brain, you'd be a halfwit." - Chicago

"To me."
"To you!" - The Chuckle Brothers

"Well, this is another fine mess you've got me into." - Laurel & Hardy

"Malfoy!"
"Granger."
"Malfoy!"
"Weasel."
"Draconie?" - The Rocky Horror Picture Show

Read Feedback!   Give Feedback!


Unless otherwise specified.